Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Staying Busy...or Doing Nothing

It is funny how everything seems to be working this week.  Elliott started school on Monday (12 days later than the rest of his school), after we arrived home on Saturday.  It seems like he and I both want to either be incredibly busy, or doing absolutely nothing this week.  It doesn't seem like there has been much time spent in the in between.  Usually we spend a lot of time outside playing basketball, or just running around in the yard.  I think Elliott has spent a total of 30 minutes outside with Snoopie (normally he's required to spend 30 minutes a day outside making sure she gets enough exercise, but we haven't enforced that lately, because he's been busy doing homework, and my husband has been able to play with her instead), since we've been home.  We haven't even picked up the basketball once, and I don't think I've been outside of the house, when I wasn't on my way to or from somewhere.

Elliott has nearly finished all the work his teacher had for him, and will most likely finish it up tonight.  There was A LOT, but his teacher left it in my sister's classroom, so she was able to pick it up Saturday afternoon, so he was able to get a great start on it over the weekend.  When he's not at school or working on school work, he just wants to read, or sit and do nothing.  I'm a little bit worried about him, but I know I am acting pretty much the same way, so I'll give it some more time.  He and my dad were close.  Elliott always said I was the only person he loved more than Grumpy.

For me, it seems like I'm happiest when I stay busy lately.  But if I sit down and take a break, there's no telling when I will be able to convince myself to start again.  My husband has been pretty busy as well.  I think that is the only way he knows how to deal with his emotions.  He wants to be so strong for me and Elliott, but I know it's incredibly hard for him as well.  He has always said that he married into a great family, and there is no doubt that he and my dad had a better, stronger relationship than many people have with their own fathers.  In fact, I would say that my husband's relationship was better with my dad, than the one he has with his own dad.

Because my husband has been so busy, I've had more projects to do as well.  He added more shelves to my pantry, so I've been working on rearranging everything just the way I want it.   I've also been working hard on getting caught up on laundry, and getting everything actually put away.  I'd say I have less laundry out right now (including clean and dirty) than I've had out for several years. 

But then there are times when I just want to sit and stare at the TV, for hours at a time. Sometimes I'm ok for hours at a time, and then everything comes crashing down again.  I've talked to my mom every day.  And she just sounds so sad, no matter what we are talking about.  It's really tearing me up.  I know in time, we will all be better, but in the meantime, I just needed to vent.  Sorry about that.

Monday, September 9, 2013

He Didn't Make It

My dad passed away on August 29th.  There was just too much wrong with him, and he didn't want to be hooked up to machines. On Wednesday he pulled everything out himself, after my family talked to his doctors about it.  My dad knew what was going on then, and knew he wouldn't live without the machines, and made that choice for himself.  He lived approximately 28 more hours. 

Everyone thinks he was trying to hold on so long so he wouldn't die on my birthday.  He almost made it.  There was less than one hour left of my birthday when he died.  It was peaceful, though, and he wasn't in pain.  My mom, my sisters and I were all in the room with him.

They moved him out of the ICU after he pulled everything out, so Elliott was able to come in and tell him good bye, while my dad still understood what was going on.  Elliott was able to tell him how much he loved him, and how he was the best grandpa anyone could ever have.

Everyone was able to make peace with it, and Dad knew we all loved him.  We are still having an incredibly hard time with it, of course, but we are glad he isn't in pain anymore. 

Leaving my mom to head back to North Dakota was by far the hardest thing I've ever done.  I think it was the first time she had cried when I left since the first time I did it after Carl and I got married in 2005.

My dad hasn't been a part of my everyday life for several years now, and the pain and sadness is still so sharp and awful.  I can only imagine how much harder it is for my mom, and my brother and sister who talked to him pretty much everyday.

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